I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
