My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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