bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
