I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
