i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
