one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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