2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
