You really coming over, don't trick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
