So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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