Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
