My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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