dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
