he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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