I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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