She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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