I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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