I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
