i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
