i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
