Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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