.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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