My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
