You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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