i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
