I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
