I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize