I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
