I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
