I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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