I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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