Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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