Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
