What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
