Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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