So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I smell like Dick and happiness
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