Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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