at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
