So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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