So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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