"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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