If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
