dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's blow job season.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
