nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
