i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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