Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
