Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
