I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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