Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
