So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
