just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
