you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
