I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
