On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
