The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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