when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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