I have demons in me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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