did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
