I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
