He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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