I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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