Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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