when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
