anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
