im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
someone owes me an orgasm
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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