new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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