Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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