happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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