Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
