smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
