Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
