My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
