I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
